Community Thread
I need some help with my story if you can read it and critisize it on what to change

The sun was setting, as the wind picked up and left a shiver for anyone outside. She heard the black and blue clock on top of her brown-wood nightstand chime for 7 o’ clock. Her mother would be coming home in twenty minutes, and she would be very tired. The door unlocked, opened only for it to close again. The door locked behind her, as she called out to the house. “Amaira!” She turned on the stove and put a medium saucepan on the left hand burner. Amaira ran into the kitchen, and her mother told her to put some shoes on. “Go to the store and fetch me some meat. Your father will be here in a bit.” Amaira ran out of the kitchen, and into the brisk air. Cars ran back and forth on Middle Street. She ran across the street and opened the door to the little grocery. She walked to the back, making sure to stay away from the adults. The lights flickered and a slow distorted song was playing. The red sky was lighting the room in an ominous and sinister colour. The customers were looking at her, and some of them stared a little too long. One man followed down an aisle,his cart full of pickles, milk, and skin cream. The man ran at her then promptly gave up when an announcement came on. “Store closes in 15 minutes.” The man buying the milk and skin cream turned around not before he quickly took a picture of her. He flashed a golden tooth at her and he left. Amaira opened the freezer door and looked for the nicest looking meat. The cows were polluted from the new factories covering the land. She picked out the reddest and juiciest meat. A fat man in a suit plucked the meat package from her hands. “Hey!” She jumped on him. “Give it back! I got it fir-'' He slapped her. Hard across the face leaving a red mark. She got mad and kicked him in the balls. With a crying agony, he started to scream. She took the meat, some cheese he had, and a box of chocolates before quickly buying and fleeing. The sun had set long before, and it was starting to darken.

Cars flew by, because the stop lights stopped working two weeks ago. She ran, dodging cars, praying to her god to protect her. When she got home, the third house on the block, her mother took the meat from her arms and kissed her forehead. “What I would do without you. Go on and get the table set. Wake up your brother for dinner.” She took the plates, the forks, cups and knives and set them on the table. She used the tap water for the drinks, since the water bottles had been recalled and were unsuitable for drinking.

Wow that was great man I love it it's nice and eerie, you should definitely do more (if you feel like it)

But I feel like the man would have done something more, fought more maybe idk

Maybe lol. I was going for a more like coraline genre . yeha maybe. She was supposed to be in a world where like the adults think they are superior than children and keep abusing them and such. The next part for it was this- A pipe bust of the new factory ruined the water concentration system next to it. Her mother shovelled the food into the plates and squeezed her shoulder. “Are you hungry?” She nodded her head as her father stepped in. He looked tired, and his dark sunken eyes smiled a soft and dull smile. “Hey, honey. Hey amaira.” He stepped in, dropping his briefcase onto the sofa. He looked at the Steak and mash and mac on the plate. “Oh, you shouldn’t’ve had.” He looked at the food, and felt grateful, He felt a soft thud of christopher. Chris was eight years old and was hugging his father. “Hey! How Have you been?!” He picked him up and swung him around.


Frank was a balding man in his forties. He is in charge of Plainview Elementary. Every time the cops come, as corrupted as they are, he gets real nervous. Everybody thinks its him whos responsible of the twin incident. "Oh yeah." Said Amaira "I kicked him in the balls today." Her father was grinning ear to ear at the sound of that. "Thats my daughter." "You know, if i were you i would have gra-" "Enough!" Amairas mother stood there trying to feign a mad face, but she was laughing underneath. "Let's eat. It's about to get cold. The water-heater broke down, so this is your only source of heat."

They were in the middle of eating when a loud bang noise rose from outside. It followed by some car sirens going off, but ended almost abruptly. "Daddy. Whats going on?" Said little Christopher. "I-I'll go check real quick."

He opened the door, and soon he came back in. "The neighbors dropped a washing machine on the old hag's car. Serves her right for snooping in other people's houses." He sat back down, the tension dissipating like steam. "Father." Amaira ran to her room and came back. "Mother, Christoph, I got something. I've been saving up, but since it's Chris's birthday today, I thought I would get him something." She pulled out the little chocolate box from earlier. It had a gold and blue encasing. "Metro's wonderful chocolates!" A little caricature was in the front, with little cooking knives. He was very creepy, she thought. But she'd rather think in the moment. Than about the negative. She gave the small box to her brother, and ripped the wrapping to shreds. Upon opening it, a little card came out. "You are invited to go to METRO'S AMUSEMENT PARK!" On the back it said to go to 1132 Metro Blvd To redeem the card. Christopher lost all thought about the candy, and was thinking about the invitation. It said for two people, adults starting at two hundred dollars. Children under the age of 18 were allowed to go for free with the card of course. He was elated and jumping around the living room. "Oh, mom. Can we go?Please?"

WOW THSI IS GREAT YOU SHOULD LIKE WRITE AN A CTUAL BOOK

Thats the plan ^^ its like a horror book about a man named cricket tormenting children in a run-down amusement part with no exits. Some children grew to be adults, only 4 were able to escape. One of them being Amaira's brother chris. So yeah amaira is going to die! I have some plans for the killing methods im so hyped!

"Sure. Tomorrow is saturday. Amaira, would you be a dear and take your brother tomorrow?" Her mother was already gathering the plates and putting them in the sink to rinse. "Sure, mom. It sounds fun. I promise to take pictures." Even though Amaira thought she outgrew going to little kiddy parks, she wanted to give her brother the best time in the world. But soon, following the incidents of 2025, Chris would be the only one who got out, forever traumatized of the Killings.

Chapter 1 - Metros Welcoming.
It was Saturday, so Amaira and her brother both put on their nice jackets to go. Her father, at work, dropped them off during his lunchtime. Even though it was only two blocks from their house, he felt it would be safer to drop them off himself. The children disappearings skyrocketed last month, almost seemingly at the same time this 'metro' place came to town. The man shuddered at the thought, but he didn't want to ruin their fun. He stopped in front of the big sign in front of the park. "Okay. Some ground rules to follow. Be nice to all adults there. Even other children, too. No kicking, amaira. Second, here's some money for food. Make sure to give tips if possible. Third, Be home by six. I won't be able to pick you guys up, since my job wants to have a dinner party. And last but not least, never lose sight of your brother. Don't go with strangers, even the man himself. Don't go around acting stupid wanting for trouble. Okay. Love you guys. Be careful!" Amaira pocketed the 50 and walked out into the cold air. Chris quickly took her hand, and they walked together to the entrance.
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